Finding The Greatest Irony of Love on Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

I found this on a friend's tumblr. I thought it was interesting.

The Greatest Irony of Love, by Unknown

The greatest irony of love: Loving the right person at the wrong time or having the wrong person when the time is right; finding out you love someone after that person walks out of your life. For some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much they love that person. Some are afraid to see the one they love being held by someone else. Most relationships tend to fail not because of the absence of love, but because love is always present. It’s just that one was being loved too much, and the other was being loved too little. Most often, we fall in love with the person we think we love, but to only discover that for them we are just for past times. While the one who truly loves us remains either your friend or a stranger.

When you think of your past love; you may view it as a failure; but when you find a new love, you view the past as a teacher. In the game of love, it doesn’t really matter who won or who lost. What’s important is that you know when to hold on and when to let go. You know that you love someone when you want him or her to be happy, even if their happiness means that you’re not apart of it. Everything happens for a reason and for its best. If the person you love doesn’t love you back, don’t be afraid to love someone else again, for you’ll never know unless you give it a try.

You’ll never truly love a person, unless you risk for their love; love strives in hurting. If you don’t get hurt, then you won’t learn how to love. Love doesn’t hurt all the time; though the hurting is there to test you, to help you grow. Don’t find love, let love find you; that’s why it’s called falling in love, because you don’t need to force yourself to love, you just fall. You cannot finish a book without closing the chapters. If you want to move on, then you have to leave the past as you turn the pages.

Love is not destroyed by a single failure or won by a single caress. But why is it that the greatest irony of love is letting go when you want to hold on, and holding on when you need to let go? You can never find the right person if you can never let it go of the wrong, but at the same time the moment you feel like letting go, you remember why you held on for so long. Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

To love is to risk rejection, to live is to risk dying and to hope is to risk failure. But risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing at all. To reach for another is to risk involvement, to expose your feelings is to expose your true self. To love is to risk not being loved in return.

How to define love: Fall but do not stumble. Be constant but not too persistent. Share and never be unfair. Understand and try not to demand. Hurt but never keep the pain.

Love is supposed to be the most wonderful feeling. It should inspire you and give you joy and strength. But sometimes the things that give you joy can also hurt you in the end. Loving people means giving them the freedom; whom they choose to be and where they choose to go. Loving someone means giving them the freedom to find their way, whether it leads towards you or away from you.

Love can be a painful risk. To love means that risk must be taken, no matter how scary or painful, for only then will you experience the fullness of humanity of what we call love. If you’re not ready to cry, if you’re not ready to take the risk and if you’re not ready to feel the pain, then you’re not ready to fall in love.

Summer Love And Falling Back Up.

It's been a while since I've posted, and every post after the first few months of blogging has been pretty uneventful and kind of lame.

I think it's time to reinvent myself.

Today is the first day of finals. I'm currently sitting at work blogging instead of studying for a Spanish final. I also have a Linguistics final on Wednesday and a 20 page paper due Friday. I'm more worried about the paper... it's a research paper and I don't have many surveys filled out for it. It's not my fault that the population I'm focusing on is so hard to find! (Actually, yes it is.)

Nothing too crazy has been happening lately. Surprisingly, I've been pretty good with all my classes and such. I figure if I don't do that well on my paper (which is what the whole independent research class is based on), I can still manage above a 3.5, and that's all I really need to bring up my GPA for grad school.

Overall, my year has been pretty decent.

Summer was great.

It was my 21st in June and I must say, it was epic. It was more epic due to the amount of people stuffed into the suite style dorms and the amount of randoms. It wasn't the typical "don't remember your 21st!" birthdays, but it was fun and I was able to see old friends. Of course there was a brief moment of danger in the bathroom and I was called a "front", but in the end everything was good.

The rest of the summer had its ups and downs.

I'm one of those people that hate to be hated. I spent the first month of June pretty much confused as hell as to why one of my co-workers pretty much hated on me so much. By the end of the summer we were cool, but it was over some misunderstandings and I think it could've been avoided. Another downside was some misunderstandings with old friends. Again, by the end of the summer everything was cleared up, but it definitely sucked for a while when it seemed like everything was falling apart.

The best parts of my summer had to be with the people I lived with. Life was great and the love was there. I honestly felt that I could live with these girls even into the semester. Since I've never had such good suitemates in my few years of dorming, I had to say, I really enjoyed living with them. The parties were great, the lifestyle was good. I couldn't complain.

I couldn't find a group picture. How sad.

Another fun-filled learning experience of the summer was taking American Sign Language. That was definitely something I've wanted to learn for a while now. Joaquin and I signed up for the evening classes so we could work that nine to five grind. Taking ASL with Joaquin definitely helped me learn it faster. We also attended one of the Deaf Nights that took place at a Dave and Buster's in Farmingdale.

Deaf Social Event in Long Island.

We were so nervous to approach people and begin to socialize. I think I now know what it feels like for a man to try and approach a woman... In the end we managed to sign with someone and even saw someone we met earlier in the summer. Joaquin went off to sign more with our cute classmate. I want to call her Shy Ginger, but we'll see what Joaquin says about that.

I can't forget to mention what pretty much took over my life in the summer. That would be working as an Orientation Leader. I love this job and it was my second summer working as an OL. I managed to upgrade to Orientation Team Leader with Joaquin, D, Always Late Alberto, and two others (which I need to come up with names for). Fun fun fun.

Orientation Team Leaders.

G'GAMMACCS: My team.

I can't forget to mention the EAST COAST ROAD TRIP that I took with Joaquin and Porcelain (I really need to come up with better names). There was just too many fun times over the course of a few days. I managed to get a speeding ticket, Joaquin almost killed us, I slept for a good 90% of the trip, we met some Porcelain's relatives, saw our favorite Tanzanian, met some Seawolves, made some music videos... it was awesome.

Sugar in the Raw.

Our favorite Tanzanian.

Made it to the end.

This fall has been the most productive I've been since I've started college. It's pretty sad that I've finally learned to manage my time in my senior year. I think this semester was pretty decent aside from all the bad decisions I made in the uh... boy department.

This is a shout out to Banana. I made it to ten little Indian boys and I don't know if that's a good thing or not. (Six in one semester. What the eff?)

When I went to New Jersey I met a nice guy who I got along with pretty well. Too bad that didn't work out.

I also managed to get myself in a tangled mess of sorts. I'm not going to go into details but it's definitely not pretty.

I had a tongue injury. Enough said.

Let's see what the rest of the winter brings me.

Trust.

You can't trust anyone. No one can trust you.

Hidden agendas. Consciously and unconsciously.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we do this to other people?

Betrayal.

I am a victim. I am the culprit.

Time's A Wastin'.

This is how a spend my days... wasting time.

I came back from Spring Break, hoping to have changed my life around and all of that, but that is not the case. I suppose there has been a slight difference, but we'll see how it goes.

Soaking Prunes.

I took a bath.

After so many years, I took a bath.

I feel amazing.

My fingers are a little pruney.

Relaxed.

Debbie Downer of A Spring Break.

Instead of going crazy in Cancun or living it up in the city that never sleeps, I'm in Taiwan... at home.

It's not that bad really. I've caught up with the horrid Twilight series by now, and tomorrow will be the first day I start to do some leftover classwork. I don't mind staying at home. In fact, I'd rather be here than do much else.

I think that almost everyone is expecting me to go out and explore the city or do some touristy shopping. The fact is, I came here to see my grandma and hopefully take care of her. The sad part of that is, the first two days I think I was a little too shocked or even scared to even try to help out much. I guess I just wasn't used to seeing her bed-ridden like that.

It's still hard to even talk to her at times. She has these strange thoughts and can't tell the difference between what's real and what's in her mind. I try my best to humor her and do what she asks. The other day, I had to tie a shoelace on the blankets because it would protect her and make the "snake" go away... The "snake bite", or "mosquito bite" as she sometimes calls it, is really her nerves sending signals that move about her legs, which sometimes causes a jolt, or a "bite".

I don't know the specifics, but after her stroke, her left side is basically unable to move, although there is feeling there. My aunt here tells me my grandma is in much better condition than she was before. That just scares me to think what she was like before.

Speaking to my grandma isn't the same anymore either. My Taiwanese isn't the best, so sometimes I can't understand certain words she is saying. She speaks Mandarin as well, so that helps. Even so, I can be general in coversation, mixing some Mandarin in there too, but sometimes she forgets how to say certain words in Mandarin...

The hardest part is when I start talking to her about her... shall I call them, delusions? When she is being fed, she often asks why "Mini" isn't eating. "Mini" is her left arm. The other night, she told me that her left hand was cold, so she gave her a sock to wear. Sometimes she alternates saying "Mini" or left hand. I don't know whether or not to tell her that it's not a baby and is in fact her left arm. My aunt usually tries to differentiate what's real to her and what's not. I don't know if my grandma understands or not.

Her child-like demeanor also throws me off. Here she was, someone that took care of all her six children and nine grandchildren, but now she is nothing but a child in my eyes. Everything has to be done for her, and I mean just about everything. I don't think that it would be that bad if it were just physical though. It's what's going on mentally that I'm really worried about. But then again, would she feel more suffering if she was in the right state of mind, trapped in a body that won't listen to her?

She hasn't gone completely crazy or anything like that. Sure she has some strange stories that come up, but she still knows who I am and can tell us when she's not feeling well... things of that nature. It's just hard to watch.

It's harder to just stand there too. I'm really not much help. I just entertain her for a bit and then I leave... I think I end up trying to avoid her room and stay upstairs. I feel like such a bad person, but I don't know what to do.

I've been out a few times with my aunt. We go to buy groceries and stuff daily. I think due to my depressed mood, I get annoyed with her when she keeps asking me if I want to eat this or that or if I want to buy this or that. I don't mean to shrug her off, but I honestly don't want anything. All I really wanted was to go to the dentist and get a new pair of glasses. That is so sad haha. Then there's buying some souvenirs for people and possibly some jewelry for me, but that's all I really want. I don't want clothes (which I probably can't even fit in), I don't want snacks, and I don't want anything for my dorm either. I feel like I'm acting like a spoiled brat with the attitude, but at the same time, I'm telling her that I don't want to buy anything in that manner. I guess that just means I was being a brat, haha.

I have about a week left here and I don't know how I'm going to spend it. Tomorrow we're going out shopping after lunch for some little things that I'm going to buy for some friends, then one of her past co-workers wants to treat us to dinner. I think I'm going to stop by the junior high where my aunt used to work at (she just retired recently) and say hi to all of her ex-coworkers. One of my friends that graduated from Stony Brook lives here, so we were planning on meeting up Sunday. Another friend of mine I met a couple years ago is coming in from London, so we were planning on doing something as well. Hopefully my plans work out.

I kind of wish I could just stay at home and lay in bed all day. It's strange though. I go to sleep around 8:00 PM or 9:00PM and wake up around 9:00AM or 10:00AM. Last night I fell asleep a little later and woke up around noon, but usually it's sleep early and wake early.

I must be out of it.

I hope I'm not in this mood when I get back to New York.

I hate this.

Travels to Asia.

I'm going to Taiwan to visit the family.

My flight is at 8:10 AM.

Perhaps boredom will bring forth new updates.

Goodbye forever (forever = April 6th).

Musical Thoughts.

I've been consistently working out with my roommate for about two days now. I know that's not much, but it's better than nothing. We've been trying to keep up with our workout plans. Since I've quit crew, I really need some form of exercise. I can see myself GROWING in all the WRONG places.

I've noticed a slight trend in depression from all of my friends, including myself. Well not all, but at least a few. It's not even that we know what's wrong. There's nothing exactly wrong.

I guess in my own situation, I just feel tired all the time and I don't want to really talk or do much. I don't know if it was because of reoccurring frustrations I've had with this boy since... forever, but I think that situation has ended now. Maybe that's why I've been feeling a little better than before. I think it's also because I haven't been happy with myself lately. I'd also like to point out the gray and gloomy rainy weather, which then turned into gray and gloomy snowy weather.

I am so sick of winter. I hope spring comes along quickly, hopefully in early March. I want to run outside and enjoy the sun. I want to be able to not worry about slipping and falling because of the rain or snow. I don't want to wear a jacket!

So I've been listening to some music lately and getting into the mood for artists such as Carolina Liar.

Carolina Liar.

Maybe it's the mini depression I'm going through, but it really makes me think and feel... better I guess? Have you ever heard a song that just made you feel something? I don't mean like it's a good song because you like listening to the beat or the lyrics, but it makes you feel something different. It could be your mood or just something.

I first heard Carolina Liar - Show Me What You're Looking For on my friend's iPod on the way back from a trip to Vestal, which most of you probably know is where Binghamton University is. I was coming back, feeling kind of down, and here we were, stuck in traffic for hours and this song came on. I think I almost teared up because I just felt that sudden rush of emotion from what I went through that weekend.

Now I'm just rambling about the past...

On a lighter note, here's something funny I read today:

Picture Perfect.

So I couldn't sleep again and I don't know why.

In order to pass my time, I decided to look at the pictures I've been tagged in on Facebook, starting from the last page and moving towards the first. Here are some of my conclusions: I was in better shape, I had so much fun, I miss people, and I haven't been taking any pictures lately.

Honestly though, I saw so many moments in my past that I really enjoyed. I may not have been able to remember the exact details, but I remember the feelings I had during those moments. It felt good and it makes me want to do something other than just go to class and work. I want to make new memories and use my camera for once.

Another thing I realized was how people come and go. It made me kind of sad that I was so close to so many people at different points in my life and now we hardly talk. I know I don't make an effort to reach out, but really, what am I supposed to say? "Hey I know we haven't talked in five years, but let's hang out!" Awkward.

I'm not that distraught about the whole thing though. I just think it's a little upsetting that we form so many connections to people in our lives and we will probably never see or talk to them again unless we make that conscious effort.

Later today I'm supposed to meet up with a friend in the city. The kind of random and weird part is that I met her online when I was probably twelve or thirteen. I don't remember how, but we've been talking for years. I know what she looks like and I'm sure she's not some forty year old man who's going to rape and murder me. I'm looking forward to seeing her but at the same time I feel... strange? I guess I just don't know what we're going to do or talk about. I don't want it to be awkward. I think we'll be okay though... I mean, we have a lot of catching up to do.

I think I'm getting sleepy now. I'll write more in the evening... or tomorrow... or never.

Good night.

Sleepless Snowy Nights.

For one reason or another I've ended up unable to sleep the night before classes. I haven't updated in a while due to my laziness, but I'm hoping to change that... slowly.

All it has been doing around here is snow. Despite the snow day we had last Wednesday, the weather decides to be a jerk and snow again tonight. The only perk about the new fallen snow is that the gray slush will be white fluff once again. Two things that make me dislike snow: lack of suitable shoes and weird parking.

The newest craze that I've been playing around with has been Tokbox, which has probably been around for a while. Banana and Joaquin introduced it to me last night and it's pretty entertaining. I spent the entire evening at D's playing around with Tokbox instead of writing an essay for Chinese.

Tokboxing.

This past weekend was Chinese New Year and Valentine's Day. I thought it was kind of nice that the two fell on the same day. Instead of saying I have no valentine this year, I can say that I celebrated Chinese New Year. Genius!

I watched the movie Valentine's Day Saturday night. It's one of those romantic comedies that aren't too bad. Although I don't think I'd watch it again right away, it was pretty funny and entertaining. There were some surprises as well as predictable parts.

I decided on skipping out on my 8:20 AM class and just going for my office hours at 11:20 AM. I'm a pretty lenient TA that lets the students go after they sign in instead of staying for 15 minute sessions, which gives me time to finish my essay. I think I'll wake up at 10:00 AM tomorrow and look pretty.

Life has been... decent. Lots of surprising turns in my opinion.

500 Days of Binging.

I'm currently eating anything that is in sight.

I'm actually kinda disgusted by all of the food and eating, except for the fact that I love it before and during, but never after. I'm not going to bore anyone and list what I've eaten all day but my stomach is not only bloated from that time of month, but it is carrying a food baby that grows each moment I stuff my face with food.

Enough moody complaints!

The three of us, D, Banana, and I, went to Coldstone's and Wauldbaum's to get ice cream and baking supplies. It was fun.

We baked our friend Bengali Skank a beautiful funfetti cake with many decorations. Pictures should be posted soon.

The next item on the list is to watch 500 Days of Summer, which was a great movie that makes you think. I enjoyed it, especially the little musical part. I feel like I watched a lot of good movies lately.

Oh update just now, Bengali Skank won't be making it to karaoke tomorrow in Brooklyn. That sucks.

I'm going to go eat some more now... maybe.

Infertile Butt Dials.

I woke up this morning to find out I'm not pregnant. Yes folks, my lady time has come.

I've been getting consistent butt dials from crew boy for about three days in a row now, not counting random times throughout the winter. I'm hoping that it'll stop soon because I dislike waking up to the vibrate from my phone.

I went to Target with a friend to pick up some essentials. I felt like crap because I'm actually being a woman for once and getting cramps. We went to Friendly's afterward.

The most exciting part of my day was when I found out D was caller number 106 on the radio! She won some Lady Gaga stuff and in a drawing for tickets as well.

As of now, we're all just gathered around the table on our laptops and listening to music. I'm not sure what's on the agenda for tonight though. My friend coming from Vestal is down and told me to go to a party at her boyfriend's place. I'm not sure though... we'll see what happens.

I'm A Youth in Revolt.

The only reason this is being updated as Saturday is because it is 1:00 something in the morning, which counts as Friday night still.

I purposely ignored phone calls and text messages due to my beautiful sleep. I was supposed to meet up with my ex-manager for her to give me my money. No, I didn't get fired, and no, it is not for a shady transaction.

Work went by slow as usual. I got to work with a familiar face. During work I found out a customer went to ASU and we had an Arizonian connection... kinda... whatever.

After work, Banana, Joaquin, and I went back to California Pizza Kitchen to try some new pizza choices. Banana went with the BBQ Chicken, Joaquin got white pizza, and I decided to be fun and get half Tostada and half Chipotle. Chipotle was definitely the winner of the night. I was peer pressured to leave only a $7.98 tip for a $60.02 meal because the waiter was bad. Joaquin ran to his car as we left the restaurant.

We met up with D and Karp at the movie theater to watch Youth in Revolt.

On the way to the theater, the song Fifteen by Taylor Swift was playing. I yelled someone about when you're fifteen a boy will sex you after he says he loves you.

I then thought aloud, "When I sexed, none of my men said they loved me!"

Joaquin pointed out, "You weren't fifteen!"

Anyway, as for the title of this blog, I'm not really a youth in revolt. Just bored and still boy-less.

"I want to tickle your belly button... from the inside."

The movie was actually really funny. I thought it wouldn't be as awesome since I saw so many previews already. I laughed when a brown character came on the movie screen because I knew I was going to get shit for that. My prediction was right as D looked over and laughed. Banana was like, "Do you like his accent? It's cool, I like it." Oh dear.

Now we're just sitting around D's room on our laptops. The plan was to play Dirty Minds again, but I don't know if that's going to happen.

Oh yeah, I totally used the line, "I want you to tickle my bellybutton... from the inside." on a boy, but he was confused. Hehe.

Access Denied.

Thursday was a full day with an early start and somewhat normal end.

We were thrilled to find out that there would only be the morning session for transfer student orientation, which would hopefully have us ending around 2:00 PM.

I saw a somewhat interesting boy as I brought a group of students to the third floor, he totally said hi when I smiled. Anyway, after the presentation he asked me a few questions and I was then left alone to man the info room, which by the way is the loneliest and most boring job ever. I managed to see him again and helped him out when a fellow co-worker asked some questions. The co-worker then brought the boy to me since I'm the last stop that students go to. Even though the boy already came to me first, he still lingered as we made small talk.

This is where the situation got out of hand.

I WAS COCK BLOCKED !

Both, intentionally AND unintentionally, but to keep it short, let's just say I was unprofessional and got his phone number.

After work, a few of us went to visit an adviser and I told him about being cock blocked.

D stated, "He has a lip ring, tell me how it is."

I then said, "He said it was new and it's kinda chapped."

The adviser said something along the lines of "lip rings cause injuries".

Then I said, "...but then I can't play."

At D's, we played Dirty Minds. D was pretty good, good enough to get the word "Spackle".

Laser tag was next. It was fairly exciting and I finally got the various things to do in order to win. It's much more than just shooting the opponent. There was some weird thing about getting to the opposite base and shoot at something. See I wish I knew the rules before playing. We almost didn't make it to the first game though, but luckily we did.

We all went to bed early Thursday night and all was well... except for me being cock blocked.

Donuts and Pizza.

An update for each day missed will hopefully make me feel better about being such a lazy bum.

D left for home on Wednesday morning as I continued to sleep through whatever was left of the day. I vaguely remember crawling into D's bed before she left as Banana was on the computer. After about an hour of sleep, I woke up and got ready for my first day back to work since about three weeks.

I believe the only good part of my day was getting a new yellow shirt and hat. You see, I've always wanted a yellow shirt because I have the red shirt. My life is complete.

Everything else about the store was similar, except for the new and improved machines and the placement of everything. I got used to it throughout the evening.

After work, I got a text from Banana saying that Joaquin was with her and they were going for dinner at California Pizza Kitchen. I went to meet them there.

Banana got the Thai pizza, Joaquin the Meat Lover's and Pesto Chicken, and I got the Greek pizza. NO ONE WANTED A SLICE OF MY PIZZA. That was upsetting... not really.

Sexless Chicken.

I woke up at 3:00 in the afternoon, and my eyes were not the size of the moon. Perhaps if it was 9:00 in the afternoon, then that would be a different story.

It took me a while to put on my face and get dressed. I decided to visit some friends in Queens. The plan was to visit one group who was having a gathering of sorts, then see another friend who I haven't seen since September, possibly have some fun time, and then meet up with Joaquin and Banana in the city for some chicken and rice.

The first stop consisted of Forgetting Sarah Marshall, pizza, and Scattergories. In fact, that was the first time I played the game.

Excuses for being late, letter rolled J, answer: Jacking Off


The gathering.

My other two plans did not happen which left me friendless and funless. Chicken and rice however, was a fun trip.

I met up with Joaquin and Banana at Woodside and I kept on their tail as we went to and from the city. On our way back on the LIE, I ended up taking exit 38 to the Northern State as Joaquin continued on to exit 42. After driving by myself, I received a phone call from Banana asking where I was. They were about four exits ahead of me. Seeing this as a challenge, I sped up from the usual 60-70 mph range to a good 80-90 mph.

After looking for a familiar license plate number, I still could not find the two. I called Banana to see how far along they were. I was catching up and only about a half an exit behind! Soon enough I got a text message telling me to slow down. I knew my purple lights were in their view.

I finally caught up to them near a stoplight. I tried to pull up next to Joaquin, but it was interpreted as an invitation for a race. Going back and forth we zigzagged while speeding. Joaquin used slow moving cars to prevent me from going through and eventually we both came to a stop at a red light. I told them, "I'M DONE! THIS IS TOO DANGEROUS!" But as the light turned green, I zoomed ahead (unintentionally!!!) at 60 mph.

Joaquin was not about to be defeated as he tried to pass me in the single lane upon Stony Brook Road. Coming from my right side, driving on side where cars are parked, he tried to pass me. Luckily, there was a parked car and he was unable to pass me. However, I am terribly sorry that they almost crashed.

After turning in on campus, Joaquin once again tried to pass me. Luckily, there was a bus in the lane with OPPOSITE traffic, preventing him from pulling ahead. Then as we turned into the apartments, I purposely swayed in whatever direction that he tried to go in order to pass me.

In the end, he still managed to park first on the other side of the parking lot. It was all in good fun though.

Back at D's, we ate our lamb and rice.

D and I

Now we are currently all on our laptops, updating blogs.

Laptops along with some lamb and rice.

Work tomorrow.

Homeless in January.

This is a new blog.

My name is not Roxy, but I am 20, and I am a college student.

This is my disgusted face.

It's only been about four days since I came back from the west coast for the holidays. I'm technically not homeless, just bumming it at my friend D's since her dorms are open throughout the winter. My friend Banana is also staying with D.

To pass the time here, we're all welcoming incoming transfer students and freshmen to our university. Another job that I'm currently working at is serving coffee at the local Dunkin' Donuts.

I officially woke up this afternoon around 3:00 PM after a night just hanging out with some friends. Unfortunately I woke up a few times before that as well, leaving some of last night's drinks in the toilet bowl. My friend José did not settle well inside my stomach.

After doing some damage control with "accidental" texts from the previous night, D and I went out with another friend to get dinner at Friendly's. We were all zoning out from being hungry. We came back and invited some others over. Enchanted was the movie that was decided on and that entertained us for a bit.

So my days here have been work and play.

I think I could get used to this.