Debbie Downer of A Spring Break.

Instead of going crazy in Cancun or living it up in the city that never sleeps, I'm in Taiwan... at home.

It's not that bad really. I've caught up with the horrid Twilight series by now, and tomorrow will be the first day I start to do some leftover classwork. I don't mind staying at home. In fact, I'd rather be here than do much else.

I think that almost everyone is expecting me to go out and explore the city or do some touristy shopping. The fact is, I came here to see my grandma and hopefully take care of her. The sad part of that is, the first two days I think I was a little too shocked or even scared to even try to help out much. I guess I just wasn't used to seeing her bed-ridden like that.

It's still hard to even talk to her at times. She has these strange thoughts and can't tell the difference between what's real and what's in her mind. I try my best to humor her and do what she asks. The other day, I had to tie a shoelace on the blankets because it would protect her and make the "snake" go away... The "snake bite", or "mosquito bite" as she sometimes calls it, is really her nerves sending signals that move about her legs, which sometimes causes a jolt, or a "bite".

I don't know the specifics, but after her stroke, her left side is basically unable to move, although there is feeling there. My aunt here tells me my grandma is in much better condition than she was before. That just scares me to think what she was like before.

Speaking to my grandma isn't the same anymore either. My Taiwanese isn't the best, so sometimes I can't understand certain words she is saying. She speaks Mandarin as well, so that helps. Even so, I can be general in coversation, mixing some Mandarin in there too, but sometimes she forgets how to say certain words in Mandarin...

The hardest part is when I start talking to her about her... shall I call them, delusions? When she is being fed, she often asks why "Mini" isn't eating. "Mini" is her left arm. The other night, she told me that her left hand was cold, so she gave her a sock to wear. Sometimes she alternates saying "Mini" or left hand. I don't know whether or not to tell her that it's not a baby and is in fact her left arm. My aunt usually tries to differentiate what's real to her and what's not. I don't know if my grandma understands or not.

Her child-like demeanor also throws me off. Here she was, someone that took care of all her six children and nine grandchildren, but now she is nothing but a child in my eyes. Everything has to be done for her, and I mean just about everything. I don't think that it would be that bad if it were just physical though. It's what's going on mentally that I'm really worried about. But then again, would she feel more suffering if she was in the right state of mind, trapped in a body that won't listen to her?

She hasn't gone completely crazy or anything like that. Sure she has some strange stories that come up, but she still knows who I am and can tell us when she's not feeling well... things of that nature. It's just hard to watch.

It's harder to just stand there too. I'm really not much help. I just entertain her for a bit and then I leave... I think I end up trying to avoid her room and stay upstairs. I feel like such a bad person, but I don't know what to do.

I've been out a few times with my aunt. We go to buy groceries and stuff daily. I think due to my depressed mood, I get annoyed with her when she keeps asking me if I want to eat this or that or if I want to buy this or that. I don't mean to shrug her off, but I honestly don't want anything. All I really wanted was to go to the dentist and get a new pair of glasses. That is so sad haha. Then there's buying some souvenirs for people and possibly some jewelry for me, but that's all I really want. I don't want clothes (which I probably can't even fit in), I don't want snacks, and I don't want anything for my dorm either. I feel like I'm acting like a spoiled brat with the attitude, but at the same time, I'm telling her that I don't want to buy anything in that manner. I guess that just means I was being a brat, haha.

I have about a week left here and I don't know how I'm going to spend it. Tomorrow we're going out shopping after lunch for some little things that I'm going to buy for some friends, then one of her past co-workers wants to treat us to dinner. I think I'm going to stop by the junior high where my aunt used to work at (she just retired recently) and say hi to all of her ex-coworkers. One of my friends that graduated from Stony Brook lives here, so we were planning on meeting up Sunday. Another friend of mine I met a couple years ago is coming in from London, so we were planning on doing something as well. Hopefully my plans work out.

I kind of wish I could just stay at home and lay in bed all day. It's strange though. I go to sleep around 8:00 PM or 9:00PM and wake up around 9:00AM or 10:00AM. Last night I fell asleep a little later and woke up around noon, but usually it's sleep early and wake early.

I must be out of it.

I hope I'm not in this mood when I get back to New York.

I hate this.

Travels to Asia.

I'm going to Taiwan to visit the family.

My flight is at 8:10 AM.

Perhaps boredom will bring forth new updates.

Goodbye forever (forever = April 6th).